Great! Newsletter #5: Better Endings for Your Favorite Movies

A.Love: Scourge of Film Bros

Well, well, well, look who’s back—it’s me! I’m comedian, writer, and medically diagnosed smokeshow Alexandria Love. You’re reading my newsletter, Great! I call it that because it is written by me (the aforementioned Alexandria Love), and I am great.

Every other Monday, I’ll send something great to your inbox that’ll make you think, “Hm.” and then, “Wow!” and then, “Really?” and then, “That’s a lot of swear words in one paragraph.”

If you follow this newsletter, you know that I watch a lot of movies. Hell, I’ve even *allegedly* threatened physical violence on Oscar-nominated directors (you know what you did, Scorcesse). But what is even more impressive than the expansive roster of movies I’ve seen is the even more expansive roster of movies I haven’t seen.

There are loads of reasons I might have missed a movie. Maybe it’s timing or bad marketing. Maybe the movie had too many Wayans’, or not enough. But sometimes I don’t need to watch the film - because I can predict the whole plot of a movie before I see a single scene. It’s my superpower. I’m basically Spider-Man, except I was bitten by a radioactive Letterboxd account.

Don’t believe me? Here are some movies I’ve never seen but can predict the plot and ending with 100% accuracy — or, at the very least, how they SHOULD have ended. Check it out and see if I’m right (SPOILER ALERT: I am always right.)

1. Lost in Translation (2003)

   

   This one probably flew under my radar because it came out when I was 11—too young to see this film, but almost old enough to be the female romantic lead! I’m hoping this movie ends with this nice old grandfather driving his granddaughter back to school.

2. E.T. (1982)

   

   I haven’t seen E.T., but I can guess it’s about an alien who makes friends with Earth children and engages in heartwarming hijinks before he eventually goes to be with his own kind. For his sake, I hope the movie has a scene where they get his finger checked out - that shit is NOT normal, buddy.

3. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (1966)

   

   I enjoy Westerns, and I’m not just saying that because I’m waiting for Beyonce to drop the Cowboy Carter visuals. I don’t know much about this movie besides the fact that Clint Eastwood is in it. This man is always doing Westerns out in the hot sun! That’s probably why he’s always squinting. Anyway, I don’t know how this movie ends, but I hope that whichever one of the guys is “Good” will apologize to his friends for calling them “Bad” and “Ugly.” That’s just rude!

4. Joker (2019)

   

   People are always so surprised when I tell them I haven’t seen Joker. They always say, “I think you’d love it,” which, to me, sounds like, “I’m activley looking for a fight.” If I wanted to see the downfall of a comedian with people issues, I would just re-read my journal. I’m sure I’ll see this movie someday, but for now, I predict that it ends the same way every comedian’s story ends: with poorly received comments on a podcast.

5. Call Me By Your Name (2017)

   

   This one’s easy: Call Me By Your Name is obviously a buddy-comedy about two best friends who go on the road trip of a lifetime! After finding one-eyed-Willie’s lost gold, they realize the real treasure was the friends they made along the way. I’m sure I’ll watch this film one day - hopefully with my whole family!

So what do you think? Did I nail it? Which of these movies should I actually watch - and for which ones do you think my version is better? Let me know; maybe I’ll include your comments in next week’s newsletter. Until then - care about you, think you’re special! - A

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