Great! Newsletter #1: Best Director Nominees, Ranked
by Alexandria Love
Hi! My name is Alexandria Love. I’m a stand-up comedian and writer. This is my newsletter, Great! I named it after myself, because I am great. Every other Monday, I’ll send something great to your inbox to make you laugh. Since the Oscars are next week and I’m a film nerd, I think I’ll introduce myself by giving my ranking of “Best Director” nominees.
Quick disclaimer: I do not advocate for or excuse violence against others, even if they directed Tenet. There are no personal vendettas or personal biases at play here - just cold, hard facts. Below is the exhaustive, scientific, objective ranking of the 2024 “Best Director” Oscar nominees I could beat in a standard 12-round boxing match, ranked from easiest to toughest.
Martin Scorsese for Killers of the Flower Moon
I want to preface this by saying that Scorsese is undoubtedly one of the best directors ever. I respect his contributions to cinema and pop culture as a whole. However, this one is a given. I would absolutely drop that nerd. I wouldn’t enjoy it, but I would do it. And I would be a hero to Marvel fans everywhere. They would hold me on their shoulders at Comic-Con. Everyone who saw Killers of the Flower Moon will say that Lily Gladstone gave the best performance of the year. While she’s amazing, I still think I’m a shoo-in for my performance as “Girl Who Pretends To Understand Maestro.”
Strengths: De Niro Weaknesses: De Runtime
Christopher Nolan for Oppenheimer
Nolan seems like a nice enough guy. I just don’t think he’s scrappy enough to fight dirty in the ring. He’s merely adopted the darkness. I was born in it, molded by it. Also, I wouldn’t want to mess up that face! He looks like the missing link between humans and Skarsgårds. I’m quite a big fan of Nolan’s work. I’ve seen all of his movies. Except Memento …I think? Honestly, I don’t remember. Anyway, Nolan was nominated for directing Oppenheimer, which was a challenging production for Nolan. Between every take, he had to rehydrate Cillian Murphy. I also appreciated that they found literally every famous white person to put in this movie. It’s nice to know that white people have their own Tyler Perry.
Strengths: right hook, quick feet Weaknesses: delicate-looking hair, sound mixing
Jonathan Glazer for The Zone of Interest
Glazer seems like a quiet, mild-mannered guy. Google says he’s 5’ 11” 1/2, which, translated from boy language, means he’s about 5’7. Glazer directed Oscar nominee Zone of Interest and that one Jamiroquai music video where the furniture moves around. Anyone who came up with that has taken enough drugs to fight God. I think this one can go either way! No matter what happens at the fight, I hope we can be friends after. I need someone to help me move my furniture.
Strengths: Special attack move called “Danger Zone” Weaknesses: none
Yorgos Lanthimos for Poor Things
See, this one’s tricky…when I first conceived of this list, I mistakenly assumed that I would have to fight Ari Aster, which I’ve thought about doing once a week since the first time I saw Midsommer in 2019. Unfortunately, Aster didn’t direct the weirdo post-modern soon-to-be-cult-classic Poor Things. That’s my bad! I thought that Ari was A24’s go-to weirdo creative guy, like a darksided Lin-Manuel Miranda. I adored Poor Things. The last scene had my favorite Emma Stone moment since the time Moonlight won Best Picture. Unfortunately for me, Lanthimos is 6’2” and looks like he could easily understudy for Wilson Fisk. So I don’t love my chances. Honestly, I’d probably fake a cold to get out of this fight. Actually, I feel a cold coming on right now. No, really!
Strengths: scary Weaknesses: directing movies where the lead doesn’t wear a petticoat the whole damn time
Justine Triet for Anatomy of a Fall
I’m woman enough to admit I’m probably losing this one. Go ahead and call my mom and tell her I love her (and to NOT look at my search history). Justine Triet is nominated for Anatomy of a Fall and is only the eighth woman to be nominated in this category. If that number sounds low to you, that’s probably because you understand how numbers work. Anatomy also helped me brush up on my French - I had to delete the Duolingo app because the owl kept threatening to kill my family. I know one thing: Triet is tough. Tougher than me. Probably tougher than you. In fact, Justine, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry I even invoked your name. I hope you have a great day.
Strengths: apex killing machine Weaknesses: From Europe