Great! Newsletter #30: How to be a Supervillain
When I'm done, you'll be ready for your own show on Bravo!
Greetings, foolish mortals!
I’m comedian, writer, and aspiring widow with a dark secret, Alexndria Love. Right now, you’re reading the Great! Newsetter, which is written by me, Alexandria Love. I had to choose between Only Fans and Substack (which is just Only Fans for English majors). Ultimately, I chose Substack. I figured that if people are going to watch me fuck myself, they might as well watch me fuck myself out of professional opportunities.
If you’re like me, you’re probably tired of being Mr. Nice Girl all the time. I’ve tried to rebrand myself as a villain on many different occasions, but unfortunately, my face is too sweet to pass as evil. Rude, maybe. Bloated? Often. But evil? That’s something I have to work on.
Here are some tips and tricks I’ve accumulated over my Villain’s Journey while living in the promised land for evil people (a.k.a Los Angeles).
How To Be A Supervillain
Have a killer theme song.
Vader has the iconic Imperial March. For Scar, it’s “Be Prepared.” For Aaron Burr, it’s “The Room Where It Happens.” For Mitch McConnell, it’s the theme song to the show, “Franklin.” You know. Because he looks like a turtle.
Get a signature look.
You can’t be an effective villain without a killer wardrobe. The saying is “The Devil Wears Prada”, not “The Devil Just Wears Any Old Thing She Found at Kohl’s.” Yes, villains are known for wearing lavish and expensive outfits like Emperor Palpatine or Cruella DeVille, but you don’t have to break the bank. Sometimes villains will dress more casually, like Freddy Krueger or Ellen DeGeneres. But you know what you won’t see on a villain’s clothing? A wrinkle. Sloppiness is a luxury reserved for heroes and male comedians with rich parents. Which brings me to my next point…
Be worth a billion dollars.
I’m not saying that all villains are billionaires, but all billionaires are villains. It’s a real square/rectangle situation. However, if you’re poor, do not despair! You can still be a villain. Also, fun fact: statistically speaking, if you’re poor and a villain, we’ve probably been out on at least three dates!
Get a cat.
Every villain needs a pet. What else will you stroke menacingly while telling the hero your master plan before exclaiming “Mwahahaha”? Cats are the ideal accessory for today’s modern villain on the go. Any other pet takes the gimmick too far. A snake? Too dangerous. Flying monkeys? Sure, if you don’t mind cleaning up after that. If you’re a villain with a dog, you’re just a cop. I’ve always said this.
Don’t care about what anyone thinks about you.
This is the most important thing. I couldn't care less what anyone else thinks of me…if that’s okay with you. Is that okay with you? No, no, it’s just that, um, you’ve been a little distant since I decided to commit to this supervillain arc. You’re sure you’re okay? Okay. Cool. Ahem. Not that I care.
Be open to criticism.
Remember: you’re a supervillain, not a monster.
What do you think? Did I nail it? Of course I did. But if there’s anything I’ve missed, feel free to leave a comment or send me a DM. Also, don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe so that I can finally get out of the hood. Thanks for reading. Care about you, think you’re special.
Oh, and also…
I’ve done 30 of these newsletters now. What’s been your favorite type of newsletter that I’ve done/ that you’d like to see more of?
I totally fuckin nailed this one
You had me at cat