Great! Newsletter #25: How to be a Woman in Hollywood
Personally, I think I'm crushing it.
Hey bud,
I’m comedian, writer, and aspiring divorced wine mom, Alexandria Love. This is my newsletter, The Great! Newsletter, which I’ve named after myself, because I am Great. I’m a perfect choice if you’re looking for a charming, well-educated comedian with red hair, but Conan O’Brien is out of your budget.
For those of you who don’t know, I’m currently living in Hollywood to follow my dream of drinking kale smoothies on a professional level. To supplement this, I’ve also been working in the entertainment industry, and let me tell you, being a woman in Hollywood is not for the faint of heart. Because I’m as generous as I am lactose intolerant (VERY) I’ve decided to share with all of you my tips and tricks for surviving as a woman in Hollywood.
How to be a woman in Hollywood
STEP ONE: Think about your body.
Just really sit there and think about it. No music, no podcasts. Just raw-dog that body dysmorphia. Let it consume you. And then, if you’re lucky, the anxiety you develop as a result might brighten up your eyes.
STEP TWO: Done thinking about your body? No, you’re not, you ugly bitch.
Sorry, that was harsh. But I need you to get back in there and REALLY take note of all the things that could be wrong with you. Have you considered that your toes are actually really far apart? Also, one of your eyebrows is a quarter millimeter higher than the other. I know, I know, you can’t tell…but everybody else can.
STEP THREE: Develop numerous talents
There are so many ways to show off your talent and creativity in the entertainment industry. You can sing, dance, model, paint, whatever it takes to get your mind off of…ah shit. I’m thinking about my body again. Is there a surgeon around me that will do a toe re-spacing procedure?
STEP FOUR: Be 24.
As a woman in Hollywood, the absolute maximum age you are allowed to be is 24 years old. Thinking about turning 25? I’d reconsider. Personally, I love being 24 so much that I’ve been doing it for around 8 years.
STEP FIVE: Rethink your life plans.
If you’re to be a successful woman in Hollywood, you might want to hold off on getting married or having kids because it could lower your fuckabil— I mean…marketability.
STEP SIX: Find inner peace.
Ha, just kidding. You actually need to think about your body one more time. And remember…if you’re not crying, you’re not thinking hard enough!
What do you think? Did I nail it? Yeah….I know. But if there’s something I missed, feel free to leave a comment or send me a DM. Also, don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe so that I can finally get out of the hood. Thanks for reading. Care about you, think you’re special.
Oh…and one more thing.
It’s that magical time of year again when I go around to all of my loved ones and ask the golden question: are you mad at me?