Great! Newsletter #21: 6 People Who REALLY Need Your Financial Help
"In the aaaaarms of an angelllllll....."
Hi!
I’m a comedian, writer, and Marie Antoinette apologist (why is everyone so opposed to eating cake??) named Alexandria Love. Right now, you’re reading The Great! Newsletter, which I’ve named after myself because I am Great! We know you have many options for bi-weekly laughs, and we’re glad you’re flying with us. Please keep your hands and feet inside the newsletter at all times.
Hey, so this week was crazy, right? First, the CEO of UnitedHealthcare was killed in New York. This caused other CEOs to do what they refer to in the business world as “totally shit their pants.” Notably, Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield reversed course after an initial announcement that they would be instating time limits on coverage for anesthesia. Then, the CEO of McDonalds did an interview confirming the rerelease of Snack Wraps in 2025. However, the biggest news emerged today from Time Warner after they announced that they would finally be releasing the Animaniacs from their wrongful imprisonment in Warner Brothers’ water tower.
I feel for these poor, defenseless CEOs. They are obviously scared for their lives! And before you say something rude/factual like “Alex, Brian Thompson made $10.2 million a year on the backs of dead Americans,” I say to you…”Oh, do you think you’re special because you know how to Google things?”
Have a heart, America. These billionaire CEOs and executives don’t have easy lives. Sure, they might make more money than any of us will ever see in our lifetime, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t need our help to become even richer. And if you think about it, that’s what the TRUE spirit of Christmas is really about.
Here are six billionaires who need your financial support this year. Alexa, play “Arms of an Angel” by Sarah McLachlan. (TRIGGER WARNING: The following list contains a photo of Elon Musk. Continue at your own risk.)
6 Billionaires Who Need Your Financial Support
Jeff Bezos
At a measly, barely even notable net worth of $197 billion, it makes sense that Jeff is known for underpaying his employees and treating them terribly. The best way to support Jeff is to continue using Amazon Prime to buy things you don’t need. I, for one, could use a seventeenth reusable water bottle. Your money is going to a good cause: Jeff hopes to one day buy a cowboy hat so distracting that you don’t notice that one of his eyes never closes.
The Walton Family
You know them, you love them, you’ve gotten into a fistfight with a shirtless Marine at one of their stores, give it up for…The Waltons! The Walmart family is worth $267 billion, and they used that money to become a top donor to Donald Trump’s 2020 and 2024 election campaigns. They’ve also donated a total of $824,000 to republican candidates who were determined to undercut women’s bodily autonomy. Oh, and they’re also “rolling back” their DEI initiatives. Continue shopping at Walmart so that you can help the Waltons achieve their lifetime dream: getting so many villains into D.C. that they have to start a new “Real Housewives” franchise there.
Elon Musk
This one is serious… Elon really needs your help to pay child support. If you can, please throw in a little extra he can use to bribe his children into speaking to him again. You’re probably surprised to hear that he needs money since he’s the richest man in the world at $344 billion Earth dollars (not sure how much that is on the planet he’s from). Unfortunately, Elon blew most of that on hair plugs, child support, a dying social media app, and bigger, more expensive hair plugs. Support Elon by tweeting thoughts to an endless internet void instead of buying a diary or making friends.
Dan Snyder
For a dollar a day, you can help feed Dan Snyder, the former owner of the Washington Commanders (not to be confused with Dan Schnieder, a slightly worse person). He’s widely considered to be the worst owner in sports history. He was also a staunch advocate for keeping the racist original name of his team and only changed his tune when companies threatened to cut ties with him. Now THAT’s a real American - even when everyone is begging you to stop being racist, you stand your ground…unless there’s money involved. Who would have expected something so callous from the man who practically INVENTED toxic workplaces…just ask the 40 women who claimed Snyder and his fellow executives sexually harassed them. In honor of Dan The Man, donate a dollar or two to your favorite local team with a racist name. You know the one!
Wittle Baby Rupert Murdoch
This is the saddest one - if you don’t help today, this little guy could begin to run out of hope. The former chairman and CEO of News Corporation faced allegations of phone hacking, bribery, and corruption. What a little stinker! Help this guy continue his 93-year-long mischief run by allowing your boomer parents to watch Fox News. They’re probably doing it behind your back, anyway!
Rich Uncle Pennybags
Aside from being an absolute smoke show, Uncle Pennybags is best known for being the mascot of Monopoly. This is a coverup so you don’t look into his long-standing friendship with Jeffrey Epstein. Just kidding. He’s actually one of the ONLY billionaires NOT connected to Epstein. Crazy! Anyway, while he makes most of his money from a Monopoly (just like every other billionaire!), he has a side hustle modeling as the Pringles guy from the neck-up. Even the richest Americans have part-time jobs these days! Help him become richer by crushing your little cousin’s joy and ruining your family’s Christmas dinner. I believe in you!
So this holiday season, instead of spending time with your loved ones, be like Christ and open your wallet in service to one of these billionaires. Help the rich get richer, and the poor stay poor…before it’s too late.
What do you think? Did I nail it? I hope I didn’t nail it TOO hard, or else I’ll “accidentally slip off a balcony.” But if I missed anything, send me a DM or comment below. Also, don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe so that one day, I can get out of the hood. Thanks for reading. Seriously. Care about you, think you’re special.
Oh! And one more thing…
This whole “independent” woman thing isn’t working out for me, so I’ve decided to marry rich. Who’s the person on this list you’d be LEAST mad at me for going on a date with?
"Former" owner of the Commanders? Did he sell them?