Great! Newsletter #20: Dealing with Problematic Thanksgiving Guests
How to have the most difficult conversations with your most problematic Turkey Day dinner guests.
What’s happening, twin?
I’m comedian, writer, and potential nominee for Secretary of Energy (because I turned on a lightbulb once), Alexandria K. Love. Right now, you’re reading my newsletter. I call it The Great Newsletter because it’s named after me, Alexandria K. Love, and I am GREAT! While I don’t have a trademark on the word “great” yet, I’m working on it — and when I do, Tony the Tiger, you better lawyer up, pal!
Speaking of things with underlying sexual themes, let’s talk about Thanksgiving. As we all know, Thanksgiving was created in 1924 when R.H. Macy, the founder of Macy’s department stores, received an ultimatum from his wife: “Either these gigantic cartoon balloons go, or I do.” So Mr. Macy handed them out to all his friends, who carried them along Fifth Avenue, terrifying anyone looking out of their window.
However, over the years, Thanksgiving has become synonymous with difficult conversations with problematic friends and relatives. Given the massive event in November, some of your most problematic Thanksgiving guests might be emboldened to act offensively, perhaps even with hostility.
I’m speaking, of course, about Theater Kids.
Thanks to the release of Wicked: Part 1, Theater Kids are acting with more chaos, more explosivity, and more unnecessary key changes than ever before. And you just might have one of these people in your living room on Thursday.
Never fear… the scientists at The Great! Labs have found the perfect way to keep peace at the dinner table with these musical theater-loving maniacs.
Dealing with Theater Kids This Thanksgiving
If they say, “Hi, how are you?”
You can say: “You’re actually a little off-key. Would you like to take that once more from the top?”
If they say, “Sondheim or Webber?”
You can say, “Do they play for the Knicks?”
If they say, “I think we need to hold space for the lyrics of ‘Defying Gravity.’”
You can say: “Yes, absolutely. I, too, enjoy saying things that make no sense.”
If they say, “Let’s all sing a song together!”
You can say: “I’m calling the f*cking police.”
If they say, “Cynthia Erivo just seems like she’d be difficult.”
You can say: “I’ve decided to release the hounds. You have five minutes before they attack.”
They’ll say, “Thank you, five.“
If they say, “Sorry, I have to leave - I have an audition in the morning.”
You can say: “Liarsayswhat?”
They’ll say, “What?”
You can say: “Got ‘em.”
And finally…
If they say, “Would you like to watch Hello, Dolly again?”
You can say: “Of course I do. I’m not a monster.”
What do you think? Did I nail it? That’s a trick question. Of course I did. But if there’s anything I missed, feel free to comment or send a DM. Don’t forget to share, like, and subscribe so I can finally get out of the hood. Thanks for reading. Care about you, think you’re special!
Oh, and one more thing…
I just got an email from the Department of Energy…I didn’t get the job. They said they’re going to nominate the Sandworm from Dune instead. Bummer! I’m looking at another job in the cabinet though…I think it was called “Something Something Homeland Security.” Which of these options should I add to my resume before I apply?
