Great! Newsletter #19: How to be a Black Lady
Because being a Black Lady is SUPER easy and ALWAYS fun!
Hello to everyone who isn’t a Black lady…and a SPECIAL hello to everybody else.
I’m comedian, writer, and outspoken advocate for bidets, Alexandria Love. This is my newsletter, which I call “The Great” Newsletter. It’s named after me because I am a GREAT joke writer. However, that bidet thing was not a joke. Wash yo ass.
Speaking of ass, let’s talk about the 2024 Presidential Election. I know everyone was waiting with bated breath for my opinion…and here it is:
Black Women told ya’ll.
That’s it. Like Tony Stark told Captain America in Avengers: Endgame, “I got nothing for you, cap. No coordinates, no clues, no strategies, no options. Zero, zip, nada. Motherfucker.” Okay, he didn’t say that last word…I added that in. Just imagine Samuel Jackson saying it instead of Robert Downey Jr. I know I do.
Am I going to lose followers for this? Probably. Do I care? Honestly, a little. It makes me sad to know how many people don’t value the lives of others. My heart is broken for the trans community, immigrants, black women, and other people who lost their reproductive rights. I’m disappointed that so many Americans can’t think beyond their own front porch.
However, am I surprised? No! Because Black Women Told Ya’ll! ™
Now, to answer the question you’re all thinking. “Alex, my race/gender/community did NOT show up for America the way I would have liked. How do I convert to Black Womanhood?” What a great question! Believe it or not, we’ve had conversion protocols in place for a while; requests for Black Lady conversion have gone up exponentially since the Cinderella movie with Brandy and Whitney Houston.
Black Womanhood won’t come easy (nothing will now, so get used to that, sis), but I can help you take your first steps over the Kenekelon Bridge. So, without further ado, here’s How to Become a Black Lady, written by a Black Lady and edited by the same Black Lady a few minutes later because we are on a TIGHT schedule over here.
How to Be A Black Lady
STEP ONE
Stretch. Make sure you get in some good upper-body stretches. This will come in handy when you have to carry this entire country on your back.
STEP TWO
Be overqualified. You must be the most educated, talented, well-dressed, and professional person in any room you walk into. Will this keep you from being overlooked in favor of a white dude who is half as qualified as you? NO. Pretty upsetting, right? Good! Welcome to the team, baby girl!
STEP THREE
Pay your taxes. Half of your monthly salary now belongs to Beyonce. Whether it’s concert tickets, physical albums, Bey-branded products, or just paying Blue Ivy’s college tuition directly, these are the tithes you pay for your new religion. In Beysus’ name we pray, Amen.
STEP FOUR
Develop some REAL tough skin. As a Black Lady, you’ll likely face abuse, rejection, and instability in many areas of life, be it personal, professional, romantic, or otherwise. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve been called a slur online, I would be in a high enough tax bracket to qualify for one of Trump’s tax cuts. As a new Black woman, ensure your skin is thick…or, at the very least, well-moisturized. We ain’t ashy over here.
STEP FIVE
Pick one traditionally White thing you’re allowed to like. For many Black Women, it’s Farmer’s Markets, brunch, or the band Paramore. For me, it’s SoulCycle and generational wealth. If you don’t pick one white thing to like, Chris Evans will be automatically assigned to you.
and finally…
STEP SIX
Practice your “nice” face. If you look tired, mad, or sad, people will say that you are “aggressive” or an “angry black woman.” They’ll also say this if you look stressed, disappointed, nervous, depressed, happy, confused, excited, surprised, horny, fragile, scared, embarrassed, skeptical, withdrawn, focused, vulnerable, desperate, earnest, anxious, overworked, antsy, hungry, whimsical, or neutral.
If you need a safe place to let out your real emotions, consider doing something fun and creative, like getting into painting or joining a fight club.
Welcome to Black Womanhood! Our first meeting is tomorrow at noon, but expect most of us to roll in around 1 to 1:30. See you then!
What do you think? Did I nail it? Of course, I did. But if there’s anything I forgot to mention on this list, comment below or DM me! And don’t forget to share this newsletter with your friends so I can one day get out of the hood. Care about you, think you’re special!
Oh, and one more thing…
I have a really important question to ask.
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