Great! Newsletter #18: Greatest Horror Villains, Ranked
Ranking in a way that only Alex Love can.
Well met, traveler!
I’m comedian, writer, and interim President of the Alexandria Love fan club, Alexandria Love. Right now, you’re reading my newsletter, The Great Newsletter, which I’ve named after myself because I am Great. Every other Monday, I’ll send something that will make you feel good inside, like fresh linens or looking up your high school bullies on Facebook and finding out that you turned out to be hotter than most of them!
Speaking of sexy things, let’s talk about the sexiest holiday on the Gregorian calendar - Halloween. Halloween is easily in the top three sexiest holidays, right below 1. Christmas, and 2. Midsommar. And don’t get me started on all the sexy horror villains from Halloween movies! Sure, Jason, Freddy, and Michael might all try to kill me, but hey, at least they know how to carry a franchise. I’ve been dating men who would kill me WITHOUT the promise of residual checks.
Some of the hottest antagonists of all time have come out of horror movies, so I decided that this Halloween, I should rank them in the way that only I can. So, without further ado, here is a list of the Top Horror Movie Villains, Ranked by whether I would date them and for how long.
Top 10 Greatest Horror Villains, Ranked
Jack Torrance from The Shining (1980)
Jack is a married man with a loving wife and a beautiful child, so I’m not surprised he’s on dating apps. Unfortunately, I will not be swiping right on him — not because of his wife and child, but because I refuse to date a man who still uses a typewriter. Get over yourself, hipster!
Jaws from Jaws (1975)
Sorry, babe, but I gotta swipe left on this one. If I’m going to date an animal, it’s gotta be the fox from Zootopia. To his credit, it is nice seeing a photo of a fish with a dead man instead of the other way around!
Pennywise from It (2017)
I think I’ve dated enough clowns, thank you.
Count Dracula from Dracula (1931)
If I wanted to date a dramatic, nocturnal recluse, I would just go back to dating stand-up comedians. Ironically, I think Dracula would be less draining.
Ghostface from Scream (1999)
While he is objectively the hottest one on the list, unfortunately, Ghostface likes to have conversations on the phone, and for those reasons, I’m out. Text me that shit, bro! Some of us have jobs!
Nate from The Devil Wears Prada (2006)
As you probably know, The Devil Wears Prada is a horror movie about a nice girl named Andy who is forced to get a job. The horror! However, when she starts to become good at her job and upgrade her wardrobe, her shitty boyfriend is all like, “Boo hoo, I liked you more before when you dressed poorly and didn’t care about anything.” And I know what you’re thinking - there are actual murderers and cannibals on this list. However, I’d sooner date a murderer than date someone who is slay-phobic!
Hannibal Lecter from The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Hear me out: he’s a doctor who loves to cook. I’ve dated worse! We’d date through at least Thanksgiving when I would bring him home and let him carve the turkey. I just know he’d be great at it!
Freddy Krueger from A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
I can’t deny that this man is exactly my type — I’ve dated SEVERAL men who look just like him! But I learned back in 2003 to never trust a man who wears a fedora (you know what you did, Ne-yo!) I would date Freddy just long enough to steal his ugly-ass sweatshirt, as is my right as a woman.
Norman Bates from Psycho (1960)
What? He loves his mother!
And finally…
Candyman from Candyman (1992)
He DOES always have candy. It turns out the same tricks guys used to pick me up as a child are just as effective today! I would take him home to meet my parents, who would honestly just be glad he’s black. We would date for a long time, even becoming engaged, until I fell in love with one of his pet bees, starting a completely different movie altogether (Bee Movie, 2007).
What do you think? Did I nail it? Of course, I did. But if there are any other date-able villains I forgot to mention on this list, comment below or DM me! And don’t forget to share this newsletter with your friends so I can one day get out of the hood. Care about you, think you’re special!
Oh! And one more thing…
If you couldn’t tell by today’s newsletter, I freaking LOVE horror movies. In fact, I was thinking about remaking a classic but starring me as the main villain. Which horror classic starring Alexandria Thee Great would you pay to see?