Great! Newsletter #17: How To Be A "Cool Girl"

But not quite as cool as me.

Hey, what’s a nice reader like you doing in a newsletter like this?

If you didn’t know, my name is Alexandria Love, and you’re currently reading “The Great” Newsletter. It’s a little ditty that I release every other Monday, or whenever I feel like I’m not getting enough attention. In this newsletter, we’ll discuss the questions gripping the daily consciousness of America, such as “What’s Alexandria Love up to?” and, more importantly, “How can we give her more attention?”

Jokes aside, I’ve been harboring a deadly secret for the past several decades, and I have decided to finally come out. I, Alexandria K. Love, am a reformed “Cool Girl.” I’ll give you a line break to process this information.

For the uninitiated, the “Cool Girl” is a mysterious monolith of women and girls of all ages who pretend to like certain things or possess certain traits to make themselves more palatable to men. They’re also known as “pick-me” girls. It’s in the same category of “universally disliked” as “Mary-Janes,” “Manic Pixie Dream Girls,” and, for some reason, Coldplay.

Over time, I realized that being a Cool Girldoesn’t make you a villain. Being a Cool Girl is a defense mechanism we women use to keep ourselves safe, like the color-shifting camouflage used by chameleons and Ariana Grande.

I do not recommend the path of Cool Girl as it is not for everyone, but if it is for you, please review my Declassified “Cool Girl” Survival Guide, which will give you all the advice you need to be the coolest girl on the planet (well, right behind Laura Dern).

Alexandria’s "(Declassified) Cool-Girl Survival Guide

***RESULTS MAY VARY

STEP ONE: Be A Girl, But Not Like Other Girls

You must distinguish yourself from “other girls.” For example, “other girls” are into boring things like shopping and music. But you, a Cool Girl, have unique hobbies that set you apart, such as sitting very still and having no opinions.

STEP TWO: The Look

Cool Girls don’t wear make-up. Don’t get me wrong, you still have to wear makeup, but you have to look like you don’t wear makeup. And if this doesn’t make sense to you, congratulations, you have a fully developed frontal lobe. Unfortunately, we’re gonna have to get rid of that. This brings me to step three…

STEP THREE: Lobotomy

Technically, this procedure won’t eliminate that pesky frontal lobe, but it won’t be a problem anymore! Your frontal lobe will be like the electoral college - probably necessary at some point, but pretty much useless now.

STEP FOUR: Emotional Regulation

A Cool Girl is sweet. She is bubbly. She is chill. And most importantly, she is never upset.  If you feel yourself showing any emotion other than happiness or horniness, do what women in our lives have done and shove it down so deep that it becomes a very feminine, dainty tumor. Congratulations! Now you have a valid reason to cry. 

STEP FIVE: Dump Your Girlfriends

A Cool Girl has no female friendships because they’re all just “too much drama.” Instead, you will babysit a man over 30 who punches walls when his fantasy football team loses.

STEP SIX: Know Absolutely Nothing

Cool Girls know very little, which makes men feel smarter because they get to explain things to us. This is a trick you can use even if you’re not a Cool Girl. I can’t count how many times I’ve “No, I actually haven’t seen that movie!” my way onto some d*ck. A cool girl is always happy when a man shares his wide breadth of knowledge about everything, from the state of the Middle East to the state of the MCU. (spoiler: neither is going great.)

STEP SEVEN: Obtain A Boyfriend!

If you’ve completed all these steps, you should probably have found a boyfriend by now! Yay! For the uninitiated, boyfriends are a gift God gives you when he feels you haven’t suffered enough. And now that you’ve finally achieved the top level of Cool Girl-ness, you can be trusted with the secret final step…

STEP EIGHT: Acceptance

After becoming the final boss of Cool Girls, you’ll discover the secret: even if you are the coolest Cool Girl in the world, men will still find some way to make you feel like shit. Don’t panic! Just admit that this is all your fault. And would it kill you to smile?

What do you think? Did I nail it? Of course I did. I always do. But if there’s anything I missed, send it my way. Also, don’t forget to like, subscribe, and share so that I can finally get out of the hood. Care about you, think you’re special!

---

Oh, and one more thing…

It’s a known historical fact that Christopher Columbus was a bitch. However, I want to leave my mark on history by making up some historical facts about Christopher Columbus. Which one of these is your favorite?