Great! Newsletter #14: Types of Movie Girlfriends, Ranked

Nobody who knows me will be surprised by #1.

Hey, u up?

It’s me! I’m a comedian, writer, and the first Black woman to perfect the Irish Goodbye, Alexandria Love. You’re reading my newsletter, The Great! Newsletter, which is named after me, because I am great. Every other Monday, I’ll send something great to your inbox that’ll make you say, “Aw, she’s trying. Good for her.”

Today is Labor Day — a time to celebrate the works of American laborers and their contributions to the Labor movement. As a proud member of two incredible unions (The Writer’s Guild of America and The Legion of Doom) I greatly respect the heroes who created those protections that so many of us benefit from today. However, there are still so many instances where workers are underpaid, underappreciated, and overworked. In today’s newsletter, we’ll focus on one job that is especially financially straining, emotionally challenging, often thankless, and sometimes quite dangerous: being a girlfriend.

Being a girlfriend is not for the faint of heart. However, these heroes lay down their lives every day, struggling with enormous burdens such as figuring out where we want to eat, and asking you random questions at 2 A.M. In honor of Labor Day, here is a list of History’s Greatest Types of Fictional Girlfriends, ranked from worst to best by me, Alexandria The Great.

5. “Perfect” Girlfriend

Despite the name, this type of girlfriend is the most boring one. This is mainly because “Perfect” Girlfriend is usually written from a guy’s perspective, meaning that while she has all of the ideal traits on paper, this kind of person would suck in real life. Like, what kind of woman is walking around with a huge rack who also drinks scotch, plays video games, is crazy in the sack, always telling jokes…wait. Shit. It’s me. I can now confirm that the male author who wrote me is a fucking hack. (Above photo is me) 

4. Attractive Slave Girlfriend

Slavery is bad. I don’t really have anything else to say. I just…uh. I just really like this picture.

3. Psycho Murderer Girlfriend

Okay, so she’s technically a mass murderer. But have you seen the way her nose scrunches up when she laughs? How can you stay mad at that face? Excellent examples of Psycho Murderer Girlfriend can be found in Gone Girl, Single White Female, and some very grainy CCTV footage of my ex’s apartment. You know what the fuck you did, Chris!

2. Tower Hag Girlfriend

When I was a little girl, this was the kind of girlfriend I always dreamed I’d be. Tower Hag Girlfriend spends 23 hours of her day in bed sleeping, and the other hour is spent yearning. I’m proud to say that this is not far from my daily schedule. Tower Hag Girlfriend is breathtakingly beautiful all day and then, at night, becomes a slimy green sewer hag that is, somehow, still hot. My favorite part is how she always has a perfect wardrobe and full makeup, even when she’s been alone in that tower for fifteen years. If it were me, I’d be covered in pimple patches and a grease stain from last night’s Doordash.

1. Gay Girlfriend

Regardless of your gender or sexual preference, Probably Gay Girlfriend is the best kind of girlfriend to have AND be. There’s a myriad of movies featuring the full spectrum of Probably Gay Girlfriend. There’s “Gay and Doesn’t Know It” (Heathers), “Gay and Knows It” (But I’m A Cheerleader), and my personal favorite: “Gay, Knows It, and Makes It Your Problem” (Thelma and Louise). See also: “Played by Sarah Paulson, So Gay By Default.”

So what do you think? Did I nail it? Of course I did. I always do. But if there’s something you think I missed, feel free to leave a comment or send me a message. Don’t forget to subscribe + share too!

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Oh, and one more thing…

Hey, we’ve been seeing each other for a while now. I just wanted to know…would you still love me if I were a worm?