Great! Newsletter #13: Things I'd Rather Do Than Go To Mars With Elon Musk
This list is non-exhaustive.
Allo!
Congratulations, it’s me! I’m comedian, writer, and Coldplay apologist Alexandria Love. This is my newsletter, which I’ve called The Great! Newsletter, because it named after me, Alexandria Love, the greatest person who has ever lived (some restrictions apply). Every other Monday, I’ll send something to your inbox that will make you say, “Wow, ten percent off khakis at Marshall’s through the end of Labor Day?” and then make you say, “Oh, sorry, I opened the wrong email.”
Speaking of things that are often wrong, let’s talk about Elon Musk. I usually am able to pretend Elon Musk doesn’t exist. I actually have a medically diagnosed immunity to stupidity due to my childhood exposure to Flavor of Love. However, I recently stumbled across an article about his plan to take white people to Mars. Well, he didn’t say white people per se, but I mean…come on.
Anyway, I have no interest in space travel. This has very little to do with Elon - I wouldn’t go to Mars if Chris Evans were waiting there with a porterhouse steak and the cure for cancer. However, because it is Elon, I REALLY don’t want to go. In fact, here’s a list of things that, in no particular order, I would rather do than allow Elon Musk to take me to space.
Lunch at a 2-star sushi restaurant in Fargo, North Dakota
Unless it’s lunch with Frances McDormand. Then I’ll consider it. Run a 2k wearing Birkenstocks made of flaming hot Lego bricks
Ask a finance bro to explain crypto to me in excruciating detail
Listen to a podcast starring my exes as they rate each of my body parts on a scale from 1 to 10
At least her personality is a 10! Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash Anything that ends with the phrase “Boot Camp”
Get my IUD replaced by Captain Hook
The real reason Peter Pan never grew up was so that he could stay on his parents’ health insurance. Relive the 2022 Oakland A’s season
Crack
Don’t ask why I had this picture on my desktop. Be murdered, and then have that murder be the subject of a podcast that then becomes a Netflix limited series
And finally…
Permanently wear my eyebrow makeup the way I did in 2018.
So what do you think? Did I nail it? Of course I did. I always do. But if there’s something you think I missed, feel free to leave a comment or send me a message. Don’t forget to subscribe + share too!
Oh, and one more thing…
Would you believe that Donald Trump recently accepted a milestone endorsement from none other than Taylor Swift? Well, you shouldn’t believe it, because it is not true. Some AI photos are going around of Taylor supporting the former president, which he took as 100% legitimate, because of course he did. My question is…what’s the name of the song Taylor writes after the inevitable lawsuit?