Great! Newsletter #10: Black Jobs, Ranked
Because Indeed.com doesn't have a "make it Black" button (yet).
Ahoy-hoy!
I’m comedian, writer, and #55 overall draft pick to the Los Angeles Lakers, Alexandria Love. Right now, you’re reading The Great! Newsletter, which is written, directed, executive produced by, and starring me, Alexandria Love. I named the newsletter after myself because I am great. And if you do not believe I am great, that’s okay! You are completely entitled to your extremely factually incorrect opinion. But please take your leave now. I will tolerate neither hateration nor holleration in this dancery.
Speaking of factually incorrect things, let’s talk about the Presidential debate last week…wait, was that last week? I’ve lost track of time because of all the dissociation I’ve been doing since then. But something that did make me laugh was when Trump said that immigrants are taking “Black jobs.” This is a massive lie, which surprised me because the Donald Trump I know would never do that. But at the same time, I was like, damn, there were Black jobs this whole time? Why have I been wasting time with white ones?
And then it hit me: Of COURSE there are black jobs. We built this country, didn’t we? It makes sense that some jobs were made for us, by us (hey, someone should start a brand with that name!). So, without further ado, here are the top eight GREAT Black jobs, ranked by me, Alexandria the Great.
No-Nonsense Black Judge
Thurgood Marshall. Ketanji Brown-Jackson. Judge Mathis. Uncle Phil. No-nonsense Black judges are one of the most crucial American jobs out there. Who else will bang a gavel and say cool things like, “Uh-uh, not in MY courtroom!” To be a successful No-Nonsense Black Judge, you must be intelligent, level-headed, and just a liiiitle bit messy. Unfortunately, the position of No-Nonsense Black Judge is low on the list because it is currently infiltrated by the biggest threat to American democracy: Steve Harvey.
Girl At The Salon Who Is Always Eating Something
What are you eating, Brenda? Historians and scientists have toiled over this question for centuries and have never found an answer. Whatever it is, though - damn. It looks so good. Maybe it’s because I’ve been sitting in this salon chair for six hours, which is crazy, because you’ve been eating from that same plate the whole time. How do you do it, Brenda? This Black job seems fun but financially unstable because I have NEVER seen a customer in Brenda’s chair. But dammit, if my girl ain’t well fed!
Vice President of the United States
Vice President, much like singing mermaid, Captain America, and Bachelor franchise contestant, are not considered “historically Black” jobs. But just because we’re new at it doesn’t mean we can’t still be great at it! A law degree or political experience will help you succeed in this job, but all you really need is a good silk press and a dream!
Your Remote Coworker Who Always Has Their Camera Off
And I dare somebody to say something about it, too. I’m not taking off my bonnet for this!
First Person To Die In A Horror Movie
I don’t get it. We never split from the group. We never run upstairs while we’re being chased. Hell, we didn’t even WANT to go on the road trip to that abandoned asylum in the first place! Yet, in horror movies, we always die first. Much like Sassy Best Friend or Magical Negro, this job is thankless and a little dated. However, this job is great if you love excitement and/or have done everything you need to do on this earth.
Literally The Best Athlete At Any Sport, Ever
Lebron James is the best at basketball. Simone Biles is the best at gymnastics. Alexandria Love is the best at putting on skinny jeans without stopping and taking a break (mostly). Black people are the top performers in every sport except for pickleball. But trust me, we’re coming for that next.
Whatever Aisha Tyler’s Up To
I know she’s still hosting Who’s Line is it Anyway, but I hope she has lots of spare time to sit back and relax. She seems nice. I hope she’s having a good day.
And finally…
Stand-Up Comedian Who Wears His Own Merch
This one requires commitment. Not only do you have to practice and perfect the art of stand-up comedy, but you also must design and print (at your own expense) dozens of T-shirts that say “#FunnyManDanIAm” so that you can sell them out of the trunk of your 2012 Honda Odyssey after doing a hot 20 minutes at the Chuckle Bean. This Black job requires no formal education, just a good sense of humor, a love of traveling, and copious amounts of delusion. However, this Black job is currently my Black job. So back off.
So….what’s the best Black job?
What do you think? Did I nail it? Of course I did — I always do. But if there are any Black jobs I left off this list, add them below. Don’t forget to like, comment, share, and subscribe! Care about you, think you’re special!
Seriously, what’s the point in working remotely if you have to show your face?