Great! Newsletter #9: "Let's Ask Alex...About My Odd Neighbor"

Debuting my new advice column...and my new monthly show in NYC!

What’s poppin’, baby girl?

I’m comedian, writer, and rightful heir to the Romanov throne, Alexandria Love. This is my newsletter, which I’ve named the Great! Newsletter. It’s named after me, Alexandria Love, because I’m Great. Every other Monday, I’ll send something great to your inbox that’ll make you feel joy, anger, anxiety, disgust, and any other characters from Inside Out 2 I might have missed.

But enough about me: let’s talk about you. I know you read my substack every other Monday, saying to yourself, “Wow. Alex is so smart. I wish I had someone like her to give me advice.” Well, here’s my first piece of advice: stop talking to yourself. It’s making all of us super uncomfortable.

But you’re not wrong; I’m great at giving advice. So good, in fact, that I’ve decided that I want to launch my own advice column, “Let’s Ask Alex”, where you can come to me with absolutely any problem, and I’ll help you solve it. Here’s my very first question, emailed to me by someone who prefers to go by “Concerned Neighbor.” It reads:

‘Hey Alexandria!

My wife Dina and I just moved to New York from a small town outside of Dallas. There were many things we had to get used to after moving to a big city, but one thing in particular stood out. We can’t decide if we’re being too sensitive, or what we should do.

We’ve met almost everyone in our building except for our nearest neighbor, with whom we share a wall. During the day, I manage my business from the home office, and I often hear some VERY disturbing noises coming from next door. Sometimes, if I want to get any work done, I have to go to the Chipotle at the end of our block for some peace and silence.

I’m just wondering: how would you deal with this if you were me?

Love the newsletter!

Concerned Neighbor’

Thanks for writing in, Concerned Neighbor! I always love hearing from fans of the newsletter. I have a lot of thoughts about how you can — uh. Wait a second. Random question. The Chipotle at the end of your block…is that across the street from the thrift store? In the Upper West Side?

‘Dear Alexandria,

Yes, it is! I live in a big red building, on the 13th floor. Why do you ask? Can’t wait to hear your advice!

Concerned Neighbor’

…oh.

‘Oh? Is that it? ‘

No, sorry, I was just…um. Thinking about something else. My advice is to just be chill about it. Maybe invest in some over-ear headphones. Not your circus, not your monkeys, am I right? Definitely don’t go over to your neighbor’s apartment. That might be weird for them…I’m assuming.

‘But Alexandria, I’m starting to get really concerned about this person. Yesterday, they played the theme song to The Nanny on repeat for seven hours! Not the show, just the song! '

I mean, it’s a really good song.

‘No song is THAT good. Then, at 3 PM, they got a bottle of wine delivered to their door. An hour later, I hear them crying while asking their Alexa, “But seriously, do you think I’m pretty?”’

Oh boy. You heard that, huh?

‘Yes! It’s horrible. Then, in the evening, when Jeopardy comes on, I can hear them yelling wrong answers at the TV. But they can’t accept that their answers are wrong! When they hear the buzzer, they scream, “You’re just saying that because I’m Black!”

Wow. Institutional racism is everywhere, am I right?

‘I should tell you about the crazy things I hear at night…’

You REALLY don’t have to do that.

‘Don’t worry, I don’t mind sharing!’

Oh no.

‘Doors swinging open and slamming closed at all hours of the night, with a parade of footsteps going back and forth. Either they’re running a secret brothel, or they’re a drug dealer!’

Sure, yeah. That’s probably it. Definitely not DoorDash. Nobody orders DoorDash that many times in a night, no matter how good the Doritos Locos Tacos are.

‘I’m telling you, Alex, this person is a weirdo! What should I do?’

Alright, this is a complex situation. Luckily for you, Alex Love has the solution. In situations like these, it’s traditional to leave a box of double stuf Oreos outside of your neighbor’s door, along with a Raspberry 7-11 slushie, a refurbished Playstation 2, and the email addresses of your five most attractive single friends. After that, who knows, maybe your neighbor will come out of hiding and slow down on those…totally normal, humdrum activities.

‘Dear Alexandria, thank you for the advice. But I decided to record the sounds I’ve been hearing through the wall and recently emailed the audio file to my landlord. We’re going to get to the bottom of this. Hope to hear back from you soon - C.N.’

‘Hey Alex! Haven’t heard back from you since our last exchange. Is everything okay?’

‘Alex?’

Hi! Sorry for the late reply, I’ve been in the middle of moving. Anyway, I’m glad you got the situation sorted. Thanks for reading the newsletter! - A

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Do you have a question that you’d like Alexandria to answer? Comment your question below or send a message and I’ll answer your question in the next “Let’s Ask Alex” column!

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Hey New York!

On July 11th, you can catch my new monthly show at Flophouse called You’re Canceled with Girault and Alex! We’re bringing you some of the best comedians in NYC, and after their set, they’ll have to answer a random question designed to get them canceled.

Find out more about the show by visiting us on IG at @YoureCanceledNYC!