Great! Newsletter #7: How To Comment on People's Bodies

Evidence-tested comments you can make about someone's body that is SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN to make them feel less weird about their inescapable meat prison!

Hey there, hi there, ho there! It is me, comedian, writer, and aspiring nepo-baby Alexandria Love. You’re reading my newsletter, the Great! Newsletter. I call it that because it was written by me, and I am great. Every other Monday, I’ll send something great to your inbox that’ll make you say, “So you’re still doing the comedy thing, huh?” And the answer is, “Boy, I sure am trying.”

Speaking of being delusional, let’s talk about the place all delusional people come to congregate: social media. I saw that fellow smokeshow Kate Beckinsale had to defend herself after she posted an Instagram picture where people said that she looked “too skinny.” Then, I saw the discourse about how Anne Hathway looks so young despite being the decrepit and elderly age of 41. Personally, I love that we’re still commenting on people’s bodies in 2024! How retro! How vintage! Are we bringing back lava lamps next? Body shaming is the third worst trend from the 2000s that is still around today, right behind low-rise jeans and Mark Wahlberg movies.

Commenting on people’s bodies, whether positively or negatively, can make them feel weird, and it’s best to avoid it altogether. However, if you simply cannot stop yourself, our top-notch scientists at Great! Labs researched the best comments you can make about a stranger’s body.

When commenting on someone’s body: Instead of hackneyed phrases like “Have you lost weight?” or “You’re looking skinny!” try one of these:

• You look exactly like my aunt Eunice, who died of emaciation during the 1919 Spanish Flu.

• I bet you can carry all the groceries out of the car in one trip.

• I’m looking for someone to murder me with their bare hands. What would you usually charge for that service?

• You’re so strong! I bet you would survive drinking the discontinued killer Panera Lemonade.

When commenting on someone’s age: Instead of tired cliches like, “He looks good for his age!” or, “She should dress/act her age!” consider saying:

• I bet you were born after they stopped putting ashtrays in cars.

• You’re only 28? In two years, you’ll be old enough to play a teenager on a CW show!

• Hey, I heard zombies might be taking over soon. Would you like to join my underground bunker? No presh.

• You look like you don’t have any strong opinions about World War II.

When commenting on perceived beauty standards: Instead of trite phrases such as, “He used to be hot” or “She would be so pretty if she would just (blank),” try saying one of these phrases:

• If you were an opera singer, I would totally wear a mask and stalk you throughout your performances.

• Sorry for explaining in excrutiating detail the plot of the game “Fortnite.” You just look like you’ve probably never played it.

• I bet only half of your Tinder matches are bots trying to steal your social security number.

• If I saw you in an episode of Law and Order: SVU, I’d be like, “Yeah, this guy totally did it.”

And finally, when you feel the overwhelming urge to comment on the social media post of a celebrity whom you have never met: Instead of saying, “They look too thin” or “Why haven’t you lost the baby weight yet?” consider:

• Shutting up

• Getting a hobby

• Opening Google and typing “Indeed dot com”

• Calling your mom and asking her where she went wrong

Hope this helps!