Great! Newsletter #6: Video Games That Are Corrupting Your Children
Because you know A.Love is for the children.
Well, folks, it’s once again time for another edition of the Great! Newsletter, written by me, Alexandria the Great. Pretty cool nickname, right? I look forward to living up to my name by conquering the world one dive bar happy hour at a time.
Every other Monday, unless the world ends, I’ll send something great to your inbox for you to enjoy. However, if the world does end, I’ll probably send something anyway because the #grind never ends, and I’ll hustle until I die.
Hey, did you hear that GameStop stock rose 80% this week? As an expert on finances (someone who bought a lot of beanie babies in the 90s), I find this fascinating! However, as a lifelong gamer (someone who did not go on dates in high school), I find it troubling. I worry about the influence that video games might have on our burgeoning youth.
No, it’s not the games like Grand Theft Auto and Wolfenstein that the kids should avoid. In fact, violent video games teach important life skills. Knowing how to shoot a pedestrian’s head off while driving to a strip club can help prepare your children for a life on Wall Street. The general disrespect for women in video game culture makes most gamers immediately eligible for a seat on the Supreme Court! The possibilities are endless.
The video games I’m worried about are more sinister, dastardly, and deadly than you could even imagine. Here is a list of the world’s most dangerous video games that could have a negative influence on the youth of America.
The Sims (2000)
I can personally attest that I am a worse person because of the Sims. I spent hours of my childhood inviting my Sims to take a dip in a relaxing pool, and then - SURPRISE - I took the pool ladder away. They didn’t stand a chance, the pixelated dummies! Pool ladder removal is, statistically, the number one cause of death among my Sims, followed closely by woo-hooing themselves to death. The good news about The Sims is that after seeing how I dealt with crying babies in The Sims 2, my parents never asked me when I planned to have children. Small wins!
Wii Fit (2007)
Wii Fit was initially marketed by Nintendo as a way to get families exercising together. While it’s not as popular in the mainstream media anymore, it’s mainly used as a rehabilitation tool in hospitals and nursing homes to help children and the elderly improve their posture. While all of that is great, this new PR campaign will not make me forget the verbal abuse I suffered from Wii Fit during the summer of 2008. You called me, my mom, my dad, and my friend Justin obese. Then, you spat in our faces and stepped on my Nikes. Fifteen years later, and it’s still on sight, you raggedy plastic bitch.
Stardew Valley (2016)
In this farming simulator, you visit a small town, plant some crops, fall in love with a local, get married, and start a family — all while slowly ingratiating yourself with the townsfolk by giving them gifts. Sound familiar? Yeah, it’s basically a Colonizer simulator. Add in a dose of smallpox and a few promises you don’t intend to keep, and you’re basically a Jamestown settler. Also, one of the marriage options is a guy named Shane, who lives with his aunt, drinks heavily, and yells at me when I say hello. If I wanted to marry an unemployed alcoholic who is really mean to me, I would just date stand-up comedians again.
Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing (1987)
For people who are too young to remember Mavis Beacon, it was a software game that taught us geriatric millennials how to type efficiently on computers. For people who are just old enough to remember Mavis Beacon, it’s almost time for you to make a colonoscopy appointment. Anyway, the game itself is not harmful to youth, but in the dead of night, I often think about Mavis. Who was she? What did she want? Why did she care about typing so much? I don’t trust a woman with that many secrets, especially one who has access to my Google search history.
Candy Crush (2012)
This game is by far the most dangerous of any on this list. Getting a Candy Crush invitation from a friend is among the most stressful parts of human existence, right between divorce and losing a loved one. It’s like having a friend from high school reach out to you about their new pyramid scheme, except with the pyramid scheme, there’s a chance we could still be friends afterward. The only good thing about Candy Crush is that it keeps NYPD busy. Candy Crush has probably kept more black people safe than Harriet Tubman.
Have you experienced the rush of Candy Crush, or the beacon of knowledge that is Mavis Beacon? Perhaps you’ve married into a good family in the Sims or Stardew, or have a toxic relationship with your Wii Fit scale. Or maybe there’s an even more dangerous game I haven’t mentioned? Leave a comment below!