Great! Newsletter #4: Top Beefs of All Time, Ranked
Tupac and Biggie got nothing on these...
Well, hello there! I’m Alexandria Love, and this is my newsletter. It’s called The Great! Newsletter because it is named after me and I am great. Some people might say, “Alex, isn’t it a bit narcissistic to call yourself great all the time?” and I would respond to that statement by saying, “new phone, who dis?”
One of the big stories in pop culture this week is the beef between Drake and Rick Ross. I don’t know what it’s about, and I refuse to Google it and make my algorithm think I care. However, I do think it’s funny when grown adults have public beef. Ya’ll don’t have bills? I have bills. I’m more concerned about paying my bills than whether or not the kid from Degrassi got a nose job.
That being said, there are some beefs throughout history that I do consider important enough to talk about publicly. Tom vs. Jerry. North Korea vs. South Korea. The Bachelor Franchise vs. Diversity. Important things like that.
So, without further ado, here are the top beefs of all time according to the only opinion that matters (mine).
Millennials Vs. Gen Z
This is an all-time beef that spans generations. As a card-carrying Millennial, I can admit I have a bias. However, I will not stand for the emotional torment that Gen Z puts us through. I think we should put our beef aside and focus on our true goal: bullying Gen X.
Nor-Cal Vs. So-Cal
I’m a native Californian, as you can tell by my fake smile and borderline-inappropriate love of kale. This is one of the most one-sided beefs in history. I don’t think LA even knows that we’re beefing. LA is that girl in high school who thinks everyone has a crush on her, and SF is the girl in high school who thinks she’s “not like other girls,” which is coded language for “has a ketamine addiction.”
Lactose Vs. Lactose Intolerant People In Denial
Listen, what you do behind closed doors is your business. But if we’re sharing a coworking space, I’m gonna need you to put down the Babybel. Your stomach sounds like it’s about to burst like that one scene in Alien, and I don’t want to be here for the aftermath.
White People Vs. Rhythm
After decades of back-and-forth, I thought white people might pull out an unexpected victory. Then, I saw Taylor Swift dancing at the VMAs. I’m sorry, but you guys are back at the bottom of the bracket. The good news, though, is that you still win everything else. Overall, it was not a bad day for white people.
J.K. Rowling Vs. Reality
In a recent interview, J.K. Rowling said that she would never forgive Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson for disparaging her anti-trans comments. This was the final blow in J.K.’s long-running beef with reality. Don’t get me wrong, J.K has been getting bodied by reality for the better part of the decade. But you just know that Daniel and Emma are sitting somewhere with their millions of dollars going, “Damn, this lunatic is STILL talking? Don’t she got bills?”