Great! Newsletter #36: Billion-Dollar Movie Ideas That You Can Have For Free*
Because Alex Love knows how to start a franchise.
Hey baby girl,
It’s me, Alexandria Love - you’re welcome! This is my newsletter called The Great! Newsletter. It’s a newsletter about how great I am! I hope you enjoy reading it. There’s only one rule, though: you’re not allowed to fall in love with me. I know, I know, but just try your best.
There are two things everybody knows about Alexandria Love. Number one, she LOVES Jurassic Park. Number 3, she constantly forgets what number comes after one.
The Jurassic Park franchise is truly special because it was so popular in the 90s (for good reason!) that society turned a blind eye to all of its subsequent crimes against humanity, like we did with MTV and Leonardo DiCaprio.
However, the franchise proved this weekend that it’s still a giant money printer. Jurassic World: Rebirth made $318 million at the box office and cemented Scarlett Johansson’s position as the top-grossing movie star of all time (a cool accomplishment!)
That said, I’m tired of rehashing the same franchises, sequels, and characters just because studios know they’ll make money off it. They’re afraid to take big swings on original ideas. But that’s where I come in.
As an industry tastemaker (a.k.a unemployed), I came up with a list of movie pitches that you can have for FREE*
(*with a suggested minimum donation of 319 million dollars).
Splarfs!
Are you bored with Smurfs but still love tiny blue guys? Coming this fall, it’s Splarfs!! Are they children or adults? Were they made in a lab? How many people have they killed, and do they feel remorse? We don’t know! But we do know they’re tiny, blue, and bloodthirsty! The girl one is hot, but also, she does have a gun. Hide your kids from…the Splarfs! Starring Zendaya as Splarfette!
She’s All Right, All Right, All Right
It’s basically the movie “She’s All That,” — but when the ugly girl takes off her glasses, she turns into Matthew McConaughey. I mean, come on people! These ideas write themselves. Do I have to do everything around here??
Sinners 2
I know, another sequel, but it improves on the original. For example, instead of playing twins, Michael B. Jordan plays triplets. And instead of taking place in Mississippi in the 1930s, it takes place in my bedroom.
Tyler Perry Presents: Therapy
Let’s be honest. It’s the only way your Black Boomer parents are even going to consider it.
Star Park
It’s Star Wars meets Jurassic Park. Critics are already calling it “The easiest billion dollars that Disney will ever make.”
Sebastian Stan Slowly Rotating On a Microwave Tray for 120 Minutes
This project is already generating buzz at Cannes.
What do you think? Did I nail it? Of course I did. But if there’s anything I’ve missed, feel free to leave a comment or send me a DM. Also, don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe so that I can finally get out of the hood. Thanks for reading. Care about you, think you’re special. xoxo
Another “Great” newsletter!