Great! Newsletter #35: Ages, Ranked
You're not gonna believe where I ranked 69.
Hi!
I’m comedian, writer, and Clarence Thomas’s number one opp, Alexandria Love. Right now, you’re reading my newsletter, The Great! Newsletter. I call it The Great! Newsletter to reflect the ever-fluctuating standards of modern media and its roots in the geopolitical climate. Just kidding. I needed a name for the newsletter, and it was literally the first word that popped into my head.
As some of you may know, next week is my 33rd birthday. This means that, as a woman, I have two more years of working on TV before I’m dragged into a dark alleyway and shot.
One thing I like to do on my birthday is reflect on how much I’ve changed over the years, and I’ve come to one conclusion: I get better every year, baby! Every Alex Love era has beaten the previous Alex Love era. I’m like Jeff Goldblum, fine wine, and whatever the opposite of the MCU is.
However, this isn’t the objective truth for everyone. Some ages are just better than others. In fact, I’ve been working with the scientists at The Great! Labs to come up with the conclusive ranking of ages from worst to best.
Get in loser, we’re going time traveling!
Ages, Ranked
Ninteen
Dead last for good reason. I have never met a nineteen-year-old and thought, “Yeah, I’m pleased with this interaction.” You’re old enough to be in college, but your frontal lobe hasn’t formed yet. And unfortunately, that’s the sweet spot where Four Loko operates.
Twenty-Four
The one good thing about this age is that, technically, you still have one year left to date Leo DiCaprio. If you miss that window… girl, I don’t know what to tell ya.
Twelve
Being twelve was honestly one of the few flops of my life. When I was twelve, we had just started the Iraq War, AND I had acne. I blame George Bush for both.
Fifty
Fifty is the new thirty, which is the new twenty-two, which is basically nineteen. And you know how I feel about them.
Twenty-One
It’s the legal drinking age….but at what cost?
Two
This shit was so fire. I didn’t have to pay bills. I wasn’t concerned with rising gas prices or climate change. The only reason that this wasn’t higher is because of how many consecutive hours I was forced to spend at Chuck E. Cheese.
Sixty-Nine
I feel like this one is self-explanatory.
Pre-Natal
When she was pregnant with me, my mom had an Egg McMuffin every single morning at 10 AM. I have spent the rest of my life chasing that kind of stability.
Seventy-Five
There’s a certain authority that comes with seventy-five. Like if someone asks you some stupid shit you can be like, “Son, I am seventy-five years old. Do not ask me some stupid shit like that ever again.” And they’ll be like, “Yes ma’am, sorry ma’am.”
Thirty-One
You get all of the respect of being in your thirties, but the novelty of adulthood hasn’t worn off. You can have mozzarella sticks for breakfast but you’re wise enough to understand why you shouldn’t. As Hannah Montana would say, it truly was the best of both worlds.
What do you think? Did I nail it? Of course I did. But if there’s anything I’ve missed, feel free to leave a comment or send me a DM. Also, don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe so that I can finally get out of the hood. Thanks for reading. Care about you, think you’re special.
Oh…and one more thing.
New Yorkers! If you’re voting in the Democratic mayoral primary election, (which you should, please!) ranked choice voting can be a little confusing. Here’s an article that helps break down how it works.
But remember, you don’t have to rank everyone…and there are some people that have proven over and over again that they do not deserve your vote. Andrew Cuomo resigned the governorship in disgrace over several instances of sexual harassment. You deserve better. I’ll be voting for Zohran Mamdani because I believe every New Yorker deserves access to reasonable rent, childcare, and food.