Great! Newsletter #34: How To Deal With Rejection
No weapon formed against me will prosper...and here's why.
Hey, sweet pea!
I’m a comedian, writer, actor, and advocate for Tom Cruise to be INSIDE of a plane for JUST ONE GODDAMN MOVIE, Alexandria Love. Right now, you’re reading The Great! Newsletter, a bi-weekly newsletter where I send you the one thing every human needs to live: jokes. Suck it, penicillin!
Speaking of living, let’s talk about something almost everybody goes through: rejection. Well, everyone except me. Rejection is one of those things that I’ve just never experienced, like a bad hair day or an enlightening conversation with a Star Wars fan.
There are two major reasons that I’ve never faced rejection. Number one, because I’m better than you. Don’t make that face, you know it’s true!
Number two, because I see every “no” as an opportunity for a “yes.” However, if you’re not like me (first of all, that sucks and I am SO sorry for your loss) I can help you deal with rejection so well that your therapist will be like, “You’ve been reading that dumb slut’s newsletter again, haven’t you?”
So, whether you’re getting rejected from a job, a relationship, or the bar at JFK’s Chili’s-To-Go (been there, done that), here are some step-by-step lessons for making the best of that “no.”
How to Deal with Rejection
Murder
This is obviously not for everyone, but, to be fair, it is the only way to make sure that you don’t get rejected twice. Nobody’s gonna be like, “You know that girl that murdered someone? Yeah, let me deny her bank loan.” Say what you will about Luigi, but he’s never paying out of pocket for medical care ever again. However, keep in mind that if you DO murder, people are, in general, not going to want to hang out with you as much. So maybe think twice before murdering if you plan on having a hot girl summer. I’m not saying you can’t, I’m just saying it’ll be harder.
Witchcraft
I’m not saying that every guy who has ever ghosted me has broken out in hives immediately afterwards. But I am saying that any guy reading this is probably not going to try that shit.
Stand outside of their house while opening and closing a Zippo lighter.
Guys, arson is NOT funny! But it does send a very clear message. And that message is, “That’s a nice condo you have…it’d be a shame if something…happened to it.” NOTE: Do not actually set anything on fire. The threat is more than enough, diva!
Intense Passive Aggressiveness
Of all the options on this list, this method is actually considered the most Christian. My mom would call this “killing them with kindness,” but I prefer to think of it as “emotional abuse with extra steps.”
Release a Diss Track
Make fun of me all you want, but writing a diss track about someone you’re in a private dispute with will always be effective. There’s a reason why famous rappers do it. I bet you the guy who wrote “U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got no alibi” is probably more emotionally mature than all of us. Don’t believe me? Well, as a great philosopher once said, ”Sometimes you gotta pop out and show niggas.”
Oh, and one more VERY, VERY IMPORTANT thing…
Hey. It’s my last week in LA before I finally go back to God’s country (Harlem). I've lived here for six months, and I’m a little sad to leave. But before I go, I want to say one thing: LA is a really special place. That’s why so many people come here. This week alone, immigration enforcement arrested 118 people in Los Angeles, many of whom are people who just wanted to live out the same dreams you and I have. Let me make this crystal clear: ICE has no place in LA, or anywhere else. Immigrants are what America has always been made of. I’m not saying that America is great or ever could be truly great, but if we were, it’s because of immigrants. Their rights are being infringed upon. And I promise you: if you’re reading this…your rights are next.
So…what are you gonna do about it?
What do you think? Did I nail it? Of course I did. But if there’s anything I’ve missed, feel free to leave a comment or send me a DM. Also, don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe so that I can finally get out of the hood. Thanks for reading. Care about you, think you’re special.