Great! Newsletter #32: Who is the safest white boy?
As a white boy expert, I'm happy to lend my expertise.
Hi!
I’m a comedian, writer, and professional Chet Hanks-to-English translator, Alexandria Love. Right now, you’re reading The Great! Newsletter, your number one newsletter for people who constantly text their friends, “Hey, are you guys mad at me?”
Representative Jasmine Crockett says that Democrats are seeking the safest white boy to run for the highest office in 2028. This is crazy because I thought “safest white boy” was an oxymoron, like “best cottage cheese brand” or “worst Paramore song.” Like, yeah, I’m sure it exists…but does it?
Then I thought: there are some white boys who make me feel safe. In fact, our scientists at The Great! Labs helped me compile this power ranking of white boys from least to most safe.
Who is the safest white boy?
White boys who say “let’s fucking go!”
This is the most terrifying subsection of white boy. They are always up for anything, and their actions often result in a very revealing docu-series on Netflix.
Timothee Chalamet
Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about.
Wall Street White Boys
Photo by Razvan Chisu on Unsplash I don’t trust anyone, regardless of race, who has a deep understanding of crypto.
White boys who say “hell yeah!” when you come out as bisexual
Kyle is genuinely proud of you for living your truth! However, to celebrate, he’s going to offer you a bump of a mysterious white substance on a key. “What is this?” you’ll ask. “Don’t worry about it,” he says, with a wink. Kyle will end up in jail by the end of the day.
White boys with neck tattoos
Photo by Jason Pofahl on Unsplash This could go either way - they are either absolute menaces or just super chill guys with a high pain tolerance and disposable income. They are the true “chaotic neutral”.
DraftKings White Boys
If you bet $1000 on the Raiders to win the Super Bowl, you should be permanently disqualified from running for public office.
Chris Evans
Please come back home, baby, the kids miss you.
Chris Evans again, but in slutty glasses
I’ve been staring at this picture so long that I genuinely forgot what this newsletter is supposed to be about.
White boys who exclusively date Black women (and are chill about it)
I would put this higher, but unfortunately, there’s really just not enough of them. It’s pretty much just Robert De Niro, Joshua Jackson, and a guy from North Dakota named Jeff who likes all of my Instagram posts.
My buddy Jim
Jim rules. Everybody likes him. Here’s a picture of him drinking out of a coconut. Jim for president 2028.
What do you think? Did I nail it? Of course I did. But if there’s anything I’ve missed, feel free to leave a comment or send me a DM. Also, don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe so that I can finally get out of the hood. Thanks for reading. Care about you, think you’re special.
