Great! Newsletter #31: Modern Things That Would Make Jesus Say, "Wait, What?"
Are you there, Substack? It's me, Alexandria.
I’m comedian, writer, and figment of your collective imaginations, Alexandria Love. Right now, you’re reading my newsletter, The Great! Newsletter, which is named after me, because I am great. Every other Monday, I’ll send something great to your inbox that will make you say, “Well, I guess it’s either this or I could go back to Wordle.”
Speaking of outdated things I gave up on a long time ago, let’s talk about Christianity. Fans of my stand-up (a.k.a the mentally ill community) will remember that I grew up in the church and went to Catholic school from kindergarten through the end of high school.
This means one thing: I was a MENACE in college. I basically traded in communion wine for near-lethal amounts of Four Loko, but enough about my permanent brain damage.
Sorry, what was I talking about?
Oh, yeah!
As a former Catholic, I think about Jesus a lot — maybe even more than my other exes! So, in honor of Easter (when Jesus came out of his cage and is now doing just fine), here are some modern things that would make Jesus say, “Wait, what?”
Mom, Dad, you can probably stop reading now.
Jojo Siwa
I think if Jesus spent enough time with Jojo, he’d be like, “We’re all God’s children, except for that one. No idea where she came from.”
Cheesecake Factory menus
When Jesus was coming up, there were two options for food: bread, and unleavened bread. Now here comes the Cheesecake Factory menu with fifty pages of entrees, each plate large enough to feed everyone in Nazareth for a month. I think the J-man would feel a little insecure, and for good reason. Like, okay, you can turn water into wine…now turn water into a chocolate chip Oreo cheesecake with extra whipped cream, and then we’ll talk.
People who wear crosses as jewelry
I’m not the first comedian to mention how weird it is that people took the symbol of the worst day of Jesus’s life and turned it into an accessory you can buy for $12.99 on the Santa Monica Pier. That’s like if there was a religion called Alexandria Lovism and everyone had a tattoo that said, “In January 1998 A.D., Alexandria Love puked on the school bus and then called her teacher mom. In her name we pray, Amen.”
Four Loko
Four Loko is humanity’s way of saying, “It is God who should be afraid of ME.”
Right-Wing Christians
I guarantee you that right-wingers would get absolutely roasted by Jesus. And he’s such a nice guy, he probably wouldn’t even realize he was doing it. He’d see a bigoted Republican woman and be like, “What is a ‘Bethany’, and why doesn’t her foundation shade match her neck?” I’d be like damn, are you the bush that talked to Moses? Because that’s a BIBLICAL BURN!
The Marvel Cinematic Universe
I’d have to explain to Jesus that I’ve bought tickets to every single one of these since I was 15, and how several of them have made me feel more connected to humanity than I ever felt while in the church. He’d be like, “They must be pretty good movies.” And I would have to tell him, “Not really.”
What do you think? Did I nail it? Of course I did. But if there’s anything I’ve missed, feel free to leave a comment or send me a DM. Also, don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe so that I can finally get out of the hood. Thanks for reading. Care about you, think you’re special.
Oh! And one more thing….
Wait. What were we talking about?