Great! Newsletter #24: Inauguration Performers, Ranked
Ranking in the way that only Alex Love can.
The gentlelady from California has the floor!
I’m comedian, writer, and world champion for most tabs open on a single web browser, Alexandria Love. Right now, you’re reading The Great! Newsletter, which is written by me, Alexandria Love (remember, from before?)
Hey, have you seen the performers at Trump’s inauguration events? There’s Jason Aldean and Gavin McGraw, who, until today, I thought were the same person. Then there’s The Village People and Rascal Flatts, two bands that know how to get the party started…as long as the party was a Bar Mitzvah in 2004. Trump knows how to curate a lineup that’ll make you say, “Holy shit, they’re still alive?” And the answer is, in most cases, “Barely.”
Some choices were more disappointing - I know I speak for everyone in our community when I say that Snoop Dogg’s performance on Friday night was an upsetting surprise. And by “our community,” I mean stoners. I thought our favorite color was green, not orange.
That said, some celebrities are slightly more stupid and self-centered than we give them credit for. In honor of this, I wanted to provide a special ranking of these performers with few brain cells but high ambition.
That’s right, folks. I’ll be ranking each of these inauguration performers based on how easily I believe I could convince them to join a pyramid scheme.
Jason Aldean & Gavin McGraw
I’m not convincing these two of anything, mostly because I don’t want to be alone in a room with them without a copy of my freedom papers. I’m not saying that these two give me a super racist vibe, but if they joined forces to create a band, it would be called “Sundown Town.”
Kid Rock
Kid Rock would be the easiest person on this list to convince to join a pyramid scheme. I truly believe that Kid Rock would do anything for a hot meal. He would also be excited to meet the band that sings “YMCA” because that’s where he’s currently staying. I mean, I could dunk on this guy all day, but unlike Kid Rock, I have a steady job.
Billy Ray Cyrus
To enlist Billy, I would tell him that my pyramid scheme is filled with young, impressionable blonde women half the age of his oldest daughter. Then, he would pay me to join. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t be able to charge his card because I don’t take EBT.
Snoop Dogg
I feel confident that if I still had my job at CutCo selling kitchen knives, I could convince him to join. He’s charismatic and likable enough to be pretty good at it. He could even keep the knives since he loves stabbing his own people in the back.
The Village People
I’m a sassy black lady, and therefore, I can convince a group of poorly dressed gays to do anything if I shake my neck hard enough. I know they’re trying to rebrand themselves as a “not-gay band,” but let’s face it: inherently, all boy bands are a little gay. I mean, why do you think they called themselves “N-Sync?” Because they know each other’s bodies intimately. But enough about my fan fiction.
Melania Trump
I know she’s not known for her musical chops (but that hasn’t stopped anyone else on this list!) But she does have the most performative job in the world - pretending to be in love with a creature God made on a dare. Meryl Streep couldn’t pull off a performance that good.
And finally…
Carrie Underwood
There’s only one reason why American Idol winner and final boss of sorority girls, Carrie Underwood, is at the top of this list. It’s because she is already leading her own MLM cult. Carrie gives off the vibe of an Executive National Sales Director for Mary Kay Cosmetics. She’s damn good, too - last year, she sold $200 cosmetics boxes to all the other moms in her book club. Unfortunately, though, they all still look…well… how you’d expect.
What do you think? Did I nail it? I think I did. But if I forgot anything, send me a DM or comment below. Don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe so that I can get out of the hood. Care about you, think you’re special!
Oh….and one more thing.
It was fun being an American while it lasted. What are you doing to celebrate the season finale of The United States of America?