Great! Newsletter #2: Wedding Season Do's and Don'ts
& an upcoming joke take-over
Hi, it’s me again! Your best gal, Alexandria Love. This is the 2nd installment of my newsletter, which I’ve titled Great! because it is written by me, and I am - you guessed it - great. Every other Monday, I’ll send something great to your inbox that you should read, and then email me back telling me how great I am. And then I’ll be like, “Thanks! Wanna do lunch on Tuesday?” and then you’ll say, “Tuesday’s no good, but let’s circle back this weekend!” and then we don’t talk again for six months because we’re in our 30s and this is life now.
Speaking of being in our 30s, it is finally springtime — which means that it is officially wedding season. Many of you will be lining up in itchy and unflattering bridesmaid dresses. Not me, though. All of my friends are comedians and, thankfully, will likely die alone. However, I do have some advice for traversing this magical season and being the best wedding guest of all time. Without further ado, here are some Do’s and Don’ts for a Great Wedding Season.
Do: Wear comfortable shoes! You’ll spend a lot of time standing while mingling with other guests and even taking pictures.
Don’t: Ask the bride’s father how much the wedding cost.
Do: Look your best without trying to upstage the wedding party.
Don’t: Seriously, don’t ask. He looks a little shady. He and his friends are in a corner, wearing leather jackets and menacingly flipping coins. One of them is chewing on a toothpick. We haven’t been served dinner yet.
Do: Make polite conversation with guests.
Don’t: Gossip too much about one guest in particular, especially after learning that the bride’s father’s prison nickname was “Mad Dog.”
Do: Help out where you can, but make sure to find time to have fun!
Don’t: Oh shit, he made eye contact with you. Look down, look down! Ah, fuck, he’s walking over here. Now you’ve done it.
Do: Be an agreeable party guest, even when in an uncomfortable situation.
Don’t: Too late. Now you’re tied up in the trunk of his car, heading to an undisclosed location. Happy now, genius?
Do: Make small talk about your occupation with other guests. But keep your stories short — you don’t want to sound boring!
Don’t: Admit to being an undercover cop. Stick with your cover. Your name is Sebastian Dubois, and you’re the groom's coworker at Chic-Fil-A.
Do: Remember to bring a present from the gift registry!
Don’t: Let them pat you down - oh god, he found your badge. It’s over, man. Game over.
Do: De-escalate conflict when necessary.
Don’t: Look at your captor and say, “Please, Mad Dog, you don’t have to do this.” He looks at you and says, “But this is the only life I’ve ever known. I want someone to see me….the real me.”
Do: Realize that all Mad Dog needed was for someone to see him as he truly is.
Don’t: Propose at someone else’s wedding! Even if you suddenly notice how Mad Dog’s eyes sparkle when they’re filled with murderous rage.
Do: Get swept up in the romance of the moment.
Don’t: Be offended. Mad Dog is flattered, really, but he only likes you as a friend. Now you’re embarrassed AND you’re going to die. Good work.
Do: Leave the reception at an appropriate time.
Don’t: Get murdered by the bride’s crime boss father after striking out with him — HARD. How embarrassing! Luckily for you, the bride’s sister wore an off-white dress to the wedding, so people will mostly be talking about that. Despite being murdered, this was, somehow, not the worst wedding you attended this year.
Oh, and before I forget - from March 25th to 29th, I’ll be taking over my buddy Tim Barnes’s substack. I’ll send you five jokes a day every day that week. Subscribe to his substack to join in on the fun. - A