Great! Newsletter #16: Alexandria's Least Favorite Things

I hate so many things....and I'd love to share them with you. <3

YOU get a greeting! And YOU get a greeting! EVERYBODY GETS A GREETING!

Hello and welcome to The Great Newsletter, written by me, Alexandria Love. I write and release this newsletter bi-weekly (which means I date boy weeks and girl weeks). For sixteen consecutive weeks, I’ve knocked this newsletter out of the park. Much like my hero Eric Adams, I’m doing an excellent job…as long as you don’t look too closely at my finances.

So now, it’s time for me to give back to the community that has given so much to me by gifting something near and dear to my heart: a list of things I hate. I’m pretty much like Oprah, except Steadman won’t take my phone calls.

However, unlike Oprah, you won’t be able to find any of these items under your seats (probably), so you won’t be going home with any of these certified hate-able people and items. But that’s okay. It’s like I always say: the real journey is the friends we hated along the way.

Without further ado, here’s a list of things I hate:

Alexandria’s Least Favorite Things

1. People who use the phrase “without further ado”: So hack! The only people who are allowed to use the word “ado” are William Shakespeare and Patti LuPone (because she is allowed to do anything she wants.)

2. Moo Deng: So you’re chubby and covered in secretions. Me too bitch, you ain’t special.

   

3. John Fisher: Almost everything else on this list is a joke, but I mean this from the bottom of my heart. Fuck you, John Fisher. I hope everything you eat has hair in it.

4. People I’ve dated who watch my IG stories: It’s like that lady said on Grey’s Anatomy: “Pick me, choose me, love me, but if you can’t, then just block me.”

5. Things that look like cake but aren’t, and vice versa: Back in my day, women were women, men were men, and cake was cake. I’m fine with the gender binary being disrupted, but I draw the line at buttercream witchcraft.

   

6. White People Who Use AAVE: Stop calling me “sista”, Beth…the only thing Brown about you is where you went to college. (DISCLAIMER: I don’t hate all white people. Some of my best friends are bad dancers!)

7. Getting a “hey girlie” text: Are you sleeping with my situationship, or are you trying to get me to join your MLM? Either way, I’m clicking ignore and going back to sleep.

8. Clarence Thomas: This is one of the non-joke ones. Fuck this nigga for real.

   

9. People who say they’ve “always wanted to try stand-up comedy”: Being a stand-up comic isn’t something that you can “try.” It’s something that happens to you, like a car accident or a witch’s curse. If you’re considering trying stand-up comedy, I would instead urge you to focus on more productive hobbies, like crossword puzzles, or regaining full custody of your kids.

10. Being perceived: Are you looking at me? Why are you looking at me! STOP IT!

11. Clarence Thomas, again: Hate so nice I had to put him twice. Wit yo ashy ass!

12. Large groups wearing matching tee-shirts: It could be Greenpeace volunteers, a bachelorette party, a family reunion, or a sorority rush. Either way, when I see a group of people wearing the same shirt, I’m putting in my airpods and walking the other direction.

    

And finally…

13. People who say “That degree isn’t going to keep you warm at night”: No, it won’t. I stay warm at night because I sleep next to my computer, where I’ve downloaded thousands of mods for the Sims 4. I could cook an egg on that thing. Don’t ever come for me or my cyber family ever again.

What do you think? Did I nail it? Of course I did. I always do. But if there’s anything you think I need to hate, send it my way. Also, don’t forget to like, subscribe, and share so that I can finally get out of the hood.

---

Oh, and one more thing…

You’ve probably heard the phrase, “I let my haters be my motivators.” This is probably why I’m so lazy - I have no haters! Everyone likes me! Instead of haters, what do you think I should pick to be my motivators?

Can’t get enough of Ol’ Alex Love? If you live in NYC, check me out at my new show on October 11th 9PM at Brooklyn Art Haus called You’re Canceled! There are too many comedians, and I plan to get rid of them: one cancellation at a time.