Great! Newsletter #15: New Things You Should Be Insecure About

Are you really going to wear that? Well, okay. I think it's cool that you don't care what anyone thinks about you!

Sep 16, 2024

Hello there, fellow sinners!

I’m comedian, actor, and ghostwriter for Donald Trump’s most unhinged tweets, Alexandria Love. And this bad boy *slaps hood of newsletter* is called The Great Newsletter. It’s a very special newsletter written and created by me, Alexandria The Great. For those of you who are like, “Actually, Alex, you shouldn’t name your newsletter after Alexander the Great. He was a brutal leader who killed hundreds of thousands of people!” That’s a good point! My response is to shove you back into the locker you belong in, you fuckin’ nerd.

Anyway, speaking of great things, let’s talk about the greatest source of insecurity for modern humans: the internet. Personally, I think a little insecurity is healthy. We need insecurity to keep us from doing dangerous things like walking outside naked or starting a dating advice podcast. However, the internet seems to come up with new ways to feed on insecurities every day. Trends like “thigh gap,” “Big Back,” and “pillow face” are genuine terms I’ve heard on TikTok to try to disparage women’s bodies, despite the fact that they all sound like Batman villains.

Here’s the thing, though - if you do have a pillow face or a big back, you shouldn’t be insecure about it. Because there are so many other, more important things to be insecure about. Don’t believe me? Below is a non-exhaustive list of new insecurities I’ve created. You’re welcome, society!

Biblically Accurate Angel Eyes

Art by Jonas Pfeiffer. Is it…is it still looking at me?

Hey baby, was your daddy a carpenter? Because I can tell your mother went through some serious trauma to bring you into this world. If you look like this picture, you should probably be insecure about yourself. If you’re thinking, “I bet everyone is looking at me!” You’re right! But, conversely, you’re looking back at them, and I promise you that they’re more uncomfortable. Imagine looking like this and saying, “Be not afraid”! Excuse me? Not only am I afraid, but I am also mentally reevaluating my stance against the Second Amendment.

Always Two Seconds From Crying Face

Kerry Washington is objectively one of the prettiest women alive. However, she always looks about two seconds away from crying. Like she’s doing a good job holding it together, but if you looked her in the eye and said, “Hey, I’m proud of you” she would just lose it. And honestly? Me too, Kerry. Me too.

1/2 Chin

Everybody always talks about being insecure about a double chin. Personally, I’d rather have too much chin than not enough. If I didn’t have a chin, where would I put the crumbs of my lunch that didn’t make it in my mouth? Sure, I get why our double chins can be a little bit tough to deal with…. But what about the poor children in third-world countries who are going to bed tonight without any chin at all? Have you thought about that? No, I didn’t think so. Now take your extra chin and think about what you’ve done.

Birds Circling Above After You Get Whacked On The Head

Picture this - you’re walking down the street, doing your daily humdrum activities like going to the supermarket or building a device to help you finally catch the Road Runner. Suddenly, you get bonked on the noggin by an anvil or a baby grand piano. Depending on where you live, this might happen to you two or three times a week. Now you have little birds circling your head while you dizzily try to regain your balance… embarrassing! Acme used to have products to help eliminate this, but they were bought by Monsanto in 2014. Tough break, doc!

Palm Bigger Than Your Face

woman reaching camera — Photo by sarah richer on Unsplash

This is less of a vanity issue and more of a health hazard. New studies released from the CDC says that if your hand is bigger than your face, you totally have cancer. No, really!

…man, this joke works a lot better in person.

Drake Energy

You know what I mean. If you don’t…well, Alexa, play “Not Like Us” by Kendrick Lemar.

Parent Trap Eyebrows

You know how some people have perfectly symmetrical eyebrows? Yeah, not you. Your eyebrows literally grew up on different sides of the world. One of them has an English accent. They have nothing in common besides a vague physical resemblance and the same irresponsible parents.

Did I nail it? Of course I did. I always do. But if there’s anything I forgot (or if you just want to say hi) you can leave a comment or send a message. Don’t forget to like, follow, and share with your friends!

Oh, and one more thing….

Can’t get enough of Ol’ Alex Love? If you live in NYC, check me out at my new show on October 11th at Brooklyn Art Haus called You’re Canceled! There are too many comedians, and I plan to get rid of them: one cancellation at a time.